u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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