the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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