i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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