Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
