You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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