Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
