insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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