Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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