Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Welp...herpes.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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