Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
