we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Boobs speak an international language.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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