shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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