i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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