You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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