from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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