Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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