Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
