I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
