I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
