my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
