Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
