my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
