I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
