I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
no, he came in my armpit
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
