if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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