He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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