for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
