Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My liver just had a heart attack.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
