Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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