It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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