My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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