Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
