Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
