Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
