Ketchup is God's man juice
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
there is puke in my bra ... again
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
