oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
