threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
