there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
