You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize