I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
