I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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