my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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