It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
