just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize