I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
