my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
