I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
