i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
