She is in my trunk
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
