Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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