come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
