Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
