she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
