Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
