Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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