my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
