There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
