Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
