i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
