If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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