Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
