I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
