Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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