Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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