just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
